First Draft

Whenever we watch moves in Stac, I walk out feeling differently. Watching Andy Warhol today was an exercise for my brain. I knew that it was going to be. I mentioned my four envy in my last post. It's the part of my enneagram that I've been finding most helpful to my self awareness. Fours have the habit of believing that everybody else has something we don't. We are extremely envious. I related a lot to an interview with a four who said that he went to an artist's studio and saw all his work and was deeply touched by it but rather than being able to appreciate it in the moment, he envied the artist and wished he could do the same. That's how I felt watching Warhol today. Not that I was especially in love with his art, but I was extremely envious of his work ethic. He seemed to always be working and he always enjoy working. I was also envious of his ambition. He wanted fame, and he got fame. I want to know what I want so that I can get it. But I'm trying to turn my envy into something productive. And after watching Andy Warhol today, I was inspired to make art. I'm biased, but it seemed to me that Andy was a four. He had the extreme envy and the extreme self doubt. But he worked past it, so I can too. I've been struggling to decide on a college. After watching the documentary today, I wanted to go to Oberlin. When I was at home on Facebook, I wanted to go to Binghamton. So I typed a bunch of random letters into a word doc, copied and pasted them into the "New Password" box, printed the word doc, ripped off the little corner with the password on it, and slipped it in a box of my grandma's hats on the top shelf of my closet. I have got to pick a side of me. Closest to my ideal. By the time it's too hard or not right, I'll have a new ideal. I want to get used to not sticking to one place or one kind of place. I need to keep in motion. So when I came home from track, I took a shower and then my parents wanted to take me out to dinner to celebrate my college decision. I was antsy to get started writing, but I said yes because I wanted them to feel good. When I got home, I knew I had to get started. And I did! I started writing, and the first few things I wrote were not good but I eventually got an idea I liked enough to roll with. I don't think it's going to be the final concept, but I want to see where it takes me. Frankly, I'm proud of myself for even starting something. I've been so... fearful lately that I haven't been able to start a single thing. This project is going to mean a lot to me. If I do a good job on it, I'll have the courage to keep starting new things. I want to always be making something.