Magazine day 5

Today was fun and exciting because we made a lot of big decisions like what our front page layouts are going to look like and what our logo is going to be like. We all have a pretty good idea of what this magazine is going to look like, and it's going to look really good. Little things we do give it its own identity, like adding squares and arrows. One of the toughest things to agree on is the colors. Everyone seems to have a different idea, and we kind of clash on this subject. I can't imagine how many arguments people in real money making magazines have on little things like that. There's just so many colors and a million different combinations. We shall figure that out, though. I felt like we got a lot done today and we're moving along. I hope that by tomorrow we'll know everything from Cathryn that we need to. I'm trying to think of any questions I might have in the future so I can ask them now while she's here.

Breaking Stuff

Whenever I'm really angry, I always want to break something. It seems pretty natural, pretty normal, but now that I think of it I'm not sure why. The only thing that's different before and after I break something is that it's broken. I'm not any stronger and I haven't gained anything. I have one less thing. I broke it. I'm thinking about it, and I think it's because it proves to me how angry I am. I was so angry I broke a pencil and I was so angry I broke my wall are two different things. That tells me how angry I am. That way I'm not confused anymore, and whether or not I had a good reason to be angry, I know that I really was angry. I proved it, I mean, look at my broken pencil and you can see for yourself. What I'm getting at is I think that's one of the reasons I write. I'm not confused anymore. When I'm done, I get this weird sense of clarity. Whatever I was feeling is on the paper and whatever is on the paper is what I was feeling. If I was feeling any different, I would have written something different.

Workshop 4

I'm really worried that we're only meeting with Catherine two more times. We've become kind of dependable on her. I feel like even though I've learned a LOT about the process of magazine making, we're going to have trouble doing it alone. We don't even know how to use the computer programs. I'm going to try to be optimistic about it, though, and give our group a little more credit. I think that once everyone gets a little more excited about it, we'll be able to prove me wrong. I really hope we come through because I am excited about being a part of something with so much potential. Getting this first issue done will be huge because once we have down all our layouts and stuff, we'll be able to carry them through to all of the next issues of the magazine, and content will be the only thing to worry about. I think that the next two workshops are really going to need to focus on teaching us how to finish it up and how to do it without Catherine.

Culture Vulture

Today in the workshop, we laid out a bunch of ideas for the table of contents and the front articles. Power in numbers really applies to this. Almost everybody had an idea that we liked, and everybody had an idea that we didn't like, which is also helpful to figure out. The more people, the more we know about what we want to see. There's this moment when a light bulb seems to go off in everybody's head when we figure out what we like the best. Someone starts folding the papers and putting the parts we like together, and then we see the layout we wanted, and all the sudden I feel like we all get a jolt of confidence. And everybody seems to agree that it's good. I guess you know something's good when no one's complaining. Right now, I feel a little unorganized because there are people working on something who aren't in the workshop, but the process seems very efficient. We're getting it done in the right order and the way we like it.

Magazine

I think that a lot of the time, I don't do things because they seem impossible. I think to myself, it's too hard and it'll take too long, so why even try? Or I'll see somebody else's work and I'll think, I'll never be that good so why even try? I've thought about trying to write a novel for quite a while, but every time I think about actually doing it, I can't see the point. I think that my problem is that I'm afraid to make something bad. I think that above learning all the layout design and everything that goes into making a magazine, what I'm really going to get out of the magazine is proving that things that are really hard are possible, and they can be good. Making a magazine is such a huge job, and to be able to start from scratch and finish with a product we like by the time we wanted to finish it will definitely give me some confidence that I can do big projects by myself and get them done and maybe even like them.

What I've Learned in STAC

I've always thought that I was an observant person, but now I realize that I didn't notice a thing until I was in STAC. It hasn't become automatic yet. It's not quite natural for me to listen or look for little things that I wouldn't normally notice, but I try to, and it's caused me to see things a little differently.
For one thing, after watching Kontroll, I find myself picking apart every movie I watch. I just watched The Birds with my mom, and we talked about it for about an hour right after and again over the next couple of days. I'm noticing that a good director does everything for a reason, so I try to figure out why each thing is done the way it is. I watch movies from a different point of view now. I look for where the cuts are and I watch for any extras that I'd seen before. I look at each shot and look at what's good and bad about it. I found that after talking about the movie, I had a completely different perspective on it than I had right after watching it. I think one of the most important things I'm going to get out of STAC is being able to talk about things because when you talk about something, you get everything out of it that you can, and then you can use it in your own art.
It's the same thing when I look at artwork. Instead of just looking at the finished work, I look at how it was done and the techniques were used, not that I know very many. My point is, now that I've seen a little bit of how things are done, it doesn't seem so inconceivable that I could do it someday. I also notice a lot of the real colors and shapes of things. Even more than that, though, I find myself looking at shadows. I try desperately to understand them because I notice how much more real it makes a drawing look when the shadows are there and look right.
Even when I'm listening to music, I listen for little errors in the editing. I also listen to some really, really good songs and try to figure out what makes them so good. I listen for each instrument on its own and see how every part works together. I've always been able to match a style to a band I knew, but now I know why because I'm starting to be able to identify what each one does differently.
What I appreciate most about becoming more observant is being able to better observe people. I look for things people do with their bodies and their faces when they're feeling different things. A lot of the observing is done within my family. My mom walks into a room differently when she's mad. I can who's trying to think of something to say at the dinner table and who just wants to eat. I play games with myself when I walk down the halls and look at people's body language to figure out what they're feeling. I'm also noticing how I'm different when I'm with different people. I said in one of my first blogs that it bothers me how everyone sees me differently because the more different views there are of me the less certain I am about who I really am. It's mostly my fault, though. I act very differently around different people. I also noticed that I like who I am when I'm around people who I think of as stupider than me than who I am when I'm around people who I think of as smarter than me. I like the people who I think of as smarter more than the people who I think of as stupider. That puts me in a weird position where I have to decide if I'd rather like myself or make myself better. I notice I tend to choose making myself better and surrounding myself with smarter people. I don't like to call people stupid, but the fact is, there are people who I don't think of as smart. It's not something I control, and I don't try to.
I'm already changing after a quarter of STAC. The things we learn really stick with me. I'm actually excited about the person I'm going to be after three years of this. I hope I can take as much out of it as I can.

Kontroll

Kontroll is the kind of movie that I'd put Spongebob on after watching it to relieve myself. It's such a good movie, but it's so depressing. It's mostly because the whole thing takes place underground. The first time watching it, I figured it was all underground just to get the point across the Bulcsu couldn't leave, and that was true. But the second time around, I got the feeling that even though all characters except for Bulcsu went back up, you don't get the sense that they ever really left because whenever they're gone, Bulcsu is asleep anyway. Also, you never actually see anybody who worked in the subway going up the escalator. It's not only Bulcsu; they're all stuck down there. They never refer to their lives outside their jobs. It's like when they leave, all they do is sleep and come back. I think that the new guy in the crew and the Professor kind of represent Bulscu's past and future if he never leaves. The new guy is just learning how bad the job is. When they all see a psychiatrist, he's the only one who isn't crazy yet. He's a little stupid, but he doesn't have any problems to talk about. The professor, on the other hand, doesn't seem to be getting out anytime soon. He just accepts everything that happens like getting puked on because it can't get any worse anyway. My question is what keeps them all there. We spoke about how the killer could be just the evil in all of them, but he must have had a special connection with Bulcsu because Bulcsu was the one he was chasing and when the killer was killed, Bulcsu was the only one who got to leave. So if the killing the killer was Bulcsu's way out, how do the others get out? And if there's nothing stopping them, why don't they just leave? I don't think I've ever seen a movie that's sparked so much curiosity. Kontroll was perfect in the way that there are a million different things that it could mean, and they all make sense.